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Friday, May 29, 2015 0 comment


30/05/2015 - 11.30pm.

I always thought that I was a superwoman.
I hold high expectations of myself, and I push myself to fulfill them.
And i always thought that somehow, I could.
But Sam is right, age is catching up us, and our body will learn to rebel.

My fever went to a stunning 38.5 last Wednesday and I realized how much injustice I have been doing to my body, how overly competitive I was to..get that sum of money to sponsor for my own trip.
Cause I like to work for the things I want to enjoy & at times, I fear.
I fear going into the adult world because till today, I have no idea what I actually want to do and people say it is okay to be lost, and to feel lost, because only maybe when you are truly lost and pushed to your extremes, will you truly find out what you want.

I always hope to do something for myself, for my parents, for my boyfriend & I fear.
I fear that the life that I am undergoing now is the life that I will lead for life because I know,
THIS IS NOT THE LIFE THAT I WANT.

But, till today, as I approached womanhood, 21, closer and closer day by day, I fear again.
I fear that time is running out for me..to do that something that I want & I fail to uphold.
Is time really running out? or.. Am i just pushing myself too hard towards illusions? or.. Should I just be pleased being lost?

and the most fearful thing is - NO ONE has an answer for that.
and I never know if it will ever ever come, and I worry - what if it never comes? and what if I am left lost for the rest of my life? and what if.. I have to lead the life that is never what I am looking for, for the rest of my life. - Am i being too impatient?
But this thought really terrifies me. - so so so much, and in fact, I think about it every single day.

as i interact with the working adults - or even my friends, they whisper to me - 'hush baby, dont be scared, dont be competitive and your time will come'.

less than 5 months to being 21, i really really hope to do something for myself, my parents, and my boyfriend. please continue to cross your fingers with me.

x.





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